Today is 03/31/2010. The day I decided to import my journals I posted in one social networking site. I want to make this site personal as I am planning to start another blog site that will deal about travel reviews, spots and price list. Personal that is, better here since the thoughts are unprecedented, no need to hide from people's criticism only from the few I chose to send this link or accidental few who would browse on my site. Personal because the first few postings here would be about the object of my most profound affection. And lastly, this site will serve as my memoir.
I know he would choose to be anonymous but I rather have him posted here. THIS IS MY PAGE, SHOGUN!
He was the realization that made me write poems--thing that I never did for anyone, ever! Not even to the man who planted seeds on my womb. Reason? I don't know. I really don't know. Jeff might be the symbolical representation of someone I have been yearning for so long. He is a self-made man, passionate, intellectual and one thing that made his so unique to me was that he was able to take me to a deeper spiritual affinity of the unkown, unseen and unforeseen. This thing can NEVER be changed and I would say that I have never been the same person after I met him.
I am still dancing in the thoughts of him. I might be so crazy to embrace that memory of being with him for three weeks. It is the same thing that keeps me hanging even in thin line IF we will end up with each other. He came to my life wherein I am not even looking for someone to start a new affair as seriously I know, starting another relationship is an odious affair. But here I am. Starting something uncertain.
Distance. That is the pragmatic reason why this affinity with him is unique. It would take us nearly a thousand Euros just to be with each other and on my part, a fat bank account to show proof that I will go back to my country of origin if I would go in Amsterdam. I have my plans though. I am going to finish this October with a degree in Special Education and planning to start a teaching career abroad, save money and go in his place. If everything will fall into places, would love to start a teaching career in Holland even if they will offer a mediocre salary grade for an Asian like me. And IF there are slots for Asians like me in the academic world.
This is one thing funny about us humans. We have the conscious effort to be remotely connected to the object of our affection even if there is uncertainty along the way. Uncertainty on his part because until now, I don't know if there is really "something" that is in store for me and him. When he left the Philippines last October, he told me that if I am able to find happiness with another man, I should not let him be the reason to stop me from experiencing that happiness. I wanted to slap his face and shout at him that I don't want nobody but him! I am not even looking for one. I am not even looking for a replacement. He was so blatant to tell me he is not inlove with me. And he was confused. That all the things he has been doing, the concerns,care and yearnings were actually the things he do for a woman he is inlove with. Odd. This created commotion on my part and I am sure on his, too.
Admitedly, he is not a perfect man. He in fact, has shown me one roughness of attitude that even made me doubt my existence by ignoring my messages and ignoring everything that has something to do with me, deliberately. Reason? He said he is just like that! And I don't want to marry him. I want to be his mistress. He is married to himself and in his own idiosyncrasies. He is my The One, I am his The Other. I settle for that. But I am not yet ready to face reality if one day he would tell me he is with another woman. the acceptance might ne gradual but for sure, I would not know how to pick my self piece by piece if that time comes.
BIG SIGH....
I am writing this note without any writing style in mind. I am talking to my self. I am creating a dialog to my self. When I am done, I will evolve to create a dialog with the other--the external, maybe the reality or manufactured quaint realities.
The next few journals will be a reposting. Hope you enjoy reading and draw some inspiration from my own life stories.
