Dancing in Arbitrariness

The clock seems stuck and this night has been one of the loneliest nights of my life but I guess, one of the most rewarding. The world whirs in anticipation while I quest for answers as to why things are happening now beyond my farthest imagination.

I don't want to hurt anyone, at least not on purpose. I only love because I know no other way. Although the past years for me unfolded like a train at full speed, bouncing off the rails at an increasingly massive hitch-- bridges were burned, relationships damaged, betrayals, promises were broken and a resonating evil wishes whispered in the air. If there is a time of looking back and regretting, it will be now, in between the dying moment and the one yet to be born but I have decided to drown that moment in some brandy clandestinely kept in a small flask in my bag and I am mixing it with my ordered Caramel Macchiato.

Depression begins to settle while I gradually get drunk despite watching South Park saved in my usb in a lame attempt to amuse my self while eating lettuce and carrots. But I didn't want a lettuce for a coffee ( ssshh..with brandy ). I just wanted to chop it up and chop it up and I have this thought about sharp knives. This is inept, evil and irritating so I stopped thinking about it. I know what I want this very moment. I want to crush someone's face with my bare hands and push his head between his legs and kick his ass.

I'm feeling agitated and pour more brandy on my coffee. I stopped South Park and retrieved my files and amorously look at the lovely pictures that once put me in an unknown bliss--the sweet smile, the happiness beyond those smiles, the lovely places we have been, the warmth and passion that I can still recognize thinking of those times. Then my eyes were burning hot and it wants to burst with tears but I have to control it. I'm in Starbucks. People might think I just broke up with my boyfriend or a lover just died. ( Well, he died long time ago and I already cried a dam full of tears).

So pure. So serene. What damage did I cause this man who looks so handsome in white? Who got no intentions but to heal? His eyes traveling to me as I gaze into one of the loveliest pictures I took of him. It stares back with an unsettling intensity like a transcendental meditation and I am yearning to hold hold him in real right this very moment. I want to bury my head on his chest and feel his arms wrap around me, way of saying that everything is going to be fine.

But I just feel so dirty and I feel so mad. Every inch of my aching ego wants to kill. What I couldn't stand was being stuck inside my head. Endless bloody power games, going on and on and on... I felt like the inside of my head were being torn and punched apart and everytime they'd settle, there'd be another punch and another fucked-up argument to fix. Bang.

Right now I'm in an inexorable mess, unprotected from any harm. He can leave anytime and I have nowhere to go. What am I going to say anyway? That I had a few demons and doubts? Like lots. Anything revealing I told him of my self can be taken against me or use it to give himself the power over me. The world is judgmental and because that is the standard. Only the weak are weak and the strong forbear, the strong rule.

But I trust. I trust this man and I am scared. What scared me most is the awful knowing that I couldn't will my self to escape.

My borrowed body vibrates. I look down. My head is getting skittish. I can't decide what side of the road shall I take now-- to let go or to hold on. Im depressed but not desperate. I stick to the verge, looking meek. What remains leave no trace, the untouched silence of space.